The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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