i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
