you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
