Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
