LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
my being single is dangerous.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
