I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize