Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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