Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
