i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
