and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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