i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
