he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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