I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
