I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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