I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize