I just pynch a tree in the face
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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