Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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