why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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