It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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