you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
