How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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