1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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