so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
