Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
