if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
