if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
