if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
