Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
