The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Randomize
