Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Everclear isn't food dammit
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
