I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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