When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
And then he peed in my hair
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