Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
