Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm having to shit out rocks
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
