if i can run in heels then i can drive
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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