I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
