allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
