Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
