wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
