Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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