i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
