You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
