i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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