i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
