You're so nebulous sometimes
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize