I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
