I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
