yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
