I got chris browned last night
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
