i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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