got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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