Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
