i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
