i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I'm getting married
To pizza
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
