i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Shame is for Republicans.
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