i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
