True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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