Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
