o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
