I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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