Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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