My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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