the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Operation Purity has been aborted
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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