I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
