i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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