she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
